


Lightning

by jenniferjun1per



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drinking to Cope, F/M, First Meetings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-26 11:23:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10785786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per
Summary: Jyn struggles to cope with past demons.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first stab at a modern au.

She would notice him at the bar, all dark and brooding, and she wondered what made him come to a place like this. For her, it was the music: loud and pounding beats, a relentless barrage on her ears that made her momentarily forget.

 

She would drink only to the point where the muscles in her shoulders loosened and there was a pleasant numbness in her throat. She needed the edge though, fed off of it.

 

The regulars knew to give her space, they didn’t want any trouble. It wasn’t the place for that anyway. The bartenders served her drinks, knew her limit, then left her alone. She sat at the end of the bar, the seats beside her always empty, no matter how crowded the place got. She never danced, just sat, and drank.

 

Sometimes people would get too close, would try to sit beside her, and a simple glare from her was an effective discouragement. One guy actually tried to weather her storm, withstood the glare and tried to chat her up. He had made the mistake of reaching a hand towards her, and had left the place cursing, with a sprained wrist and a bruised ego.

 

He watched, and it made her wonder why. Sometimes he wasn’t there, and she would wonder why. Sometimes he wouldn’t look at her, just nurse his drink, and she wondered why. He never spoke to her, just kept his distance, like everyone else. She found that it bothered her.

 

The distraction was nice, but it wasn’t enough. Sometimes she needed a release.

 

So it happened that one night, she was particularly on edge. She had drank more than she meant to, the haunted voices in her head too much to bear. She needed to drown them out, and for once the music wasn’t helping. Someone had the misfortune of accidentally bumping into her and she knocked him to the floor, her knee in his gut and her elbow against his neck. The look of terror on his face wasn’t enough to jolt her, she saw only the faces of those who’d left her behind. She had raised her fists, ready to fight, but strong arms pulled her back, hauled her off of her unfortunate victim.

 

She struggled, expecting a bouncer, but whoever was holding her wasn’t big or muscular, or angry. He was restraining her, but there was no malice, no anger in his intent. His arms wrapped warm around her, and it was almost a comfort. The fire drained out of her, and her arms finally went lax in his hold.

 

He released her, and she found that they were outside the club. The night air suddenly felt cool against her overheated skin, and she drank it in, inhaled the smells of exhaust, alcohol, and burnt cooking oil from the twenty-four hour diner across the street. She closed her eyes, and the world swayed around her.

 

“Are you okay?” his voice was distant, but it was rich, warm, and he had a slight accent she couldn’t place.

 

She opened her eyes, and he was looking at her, hard but not unkind. He had a deep furrow in his brow that she had the inexplicable urge to smooth down with her finger. His dark brown hair fell into his eyes but he made no movement to push it aside. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his leather jacket, brown like his hair but weathered and lovingly worn.

 

“It’s cold.” he said into the cool air, his breath making puffs that disappeared almost as fast as they formed. “You got someplace to go?”

 

She looked at him then, fingers flexing at her sides, looked into his brown eyes looking at her. Her head swam and her brain warred against itself, but a thought formed clear as day as it struggled to the surface of her mind.

 

“Your place.”


	2. Morning light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn wakes up in an unexpected place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for my lovely readers who wanted to know what happened next :-)

_And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes_   
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight_   
_Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes_   
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight_

 

She’d opened her eyes because the morning light hurt, and she knew she couldn’t keep them closed any longer. Her face was plastered to the leather couch she had been sleeping on, and she peeled herself off of it. She looked up to see him in the kitchen, his back to her. The sounds of frying oil and the smell of bacon brought her to herself, and she sat up with a groan.

 

“I’m making breakfast, if you’re hungry.” his voice wafted over from the kitchen, and she remembered how much it wrapped her up, how much she wanted to crawl into it and live there forever.

 

“Thanks.” she tried, but her voice was like gravel and her throat burned. “Got any coffee?”

 

“In the pot over there.” he indicated with a jerk of his head, his hair falling into his face and once again, she wanted to push it away. She poured herself a cup instead, and watched him cook.

 

“So.” she started, but found it hard to say more.

 

“So.” he just turned the bacon in the pan, didn’t look at her.

 

She cleared her throat, tried again. “So… did we… you know? Last night?”

 

A smile broke across his face, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes, and she couldn’t think of a more beautiful look on him.

 

“You don’t remember?” and he raised an eyebrow at her, his brown eyes dancing in the soft kitchen light.

 

She rolled her eyes, trying to look indifferent, but inside her heart was pounding. “I think I had a little too much to drink.”

 

His expression turned grave then, and he nodded. “Don’t worry. You passed out on the couch when we got here.” He prepared two plates of food, put one in front of her on the counter. “Eat up.”

 

She stared at the food, and her head swam and her stomach churned. He must’ve noticed her reaction, because he quietly pushed a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water in front of her.

 

She downed the pills with a gulp of water, didn’t meet his eyes. “Thanks.” she mumbled, and picked up the fork on her plate. He ate silently, and all she could do was push the food around on her plate. When he was done, he put his dishes in the sink and started to wash up.

 

“The bathroom is down the hall, to your left, if you want to clean up.” he didn’t look at her, just continued with his chore.

 

She walked to the bathroom without turning back, feeling like a stranger but even then, there was some sort of comfort in it. She closed the door behind her, leaned on the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyeliner was smudged, there was a crease going down the left side of her face from the seam in the couch she had slept on, and her hair had fallen loose from its bun. She groaned, splashed cool water on her face and cursed herself for ending up in a stranger’s home. She opened the medicine cabinet, realizing with horror that she didn’t even know his name. Rifling as quietly as she could, she found a prescription bottle, rejoicing inwardly as she read the label. It was a bottle of sleeping pills, made out to a ‘Cassian Andor’.

 

_ A beautiful name for a beautiful man _ , was the thought that sprang to her mind, but she stifled it, realizing she knew nothing about him. There was no fear though, no wariness, and she found it surprising since her instincts for people were never usually positive. There was something about him that disarmed her. She trusted his face, and she couldn’t understand why.

 

When she came out of the bathroom she heard voices, so she stopped, thinking he had company. She peeked around the corner to see that he was on the phone, talking very quietly, mostly one word answers. She couldn’t make out anything he was saying, and he finally looked up to see she was there and ended the call.

 

“I have to go to work.” he began getting things together, wallet, phone, keys. No briefcase or backpack or anything to indicate what kind of work it was he did.

 

She stepped forward, (to thank him? To leave? To wash up her dishes?) but he only turned towards her, regarded her with an inscrutable expression.

 

“If you have nowhere else to go, you’re welcome to stay. Just don’t go through my stuff.” he didn’t exactly smile, but one corner of his mouth turned up slightly. “I just realized I don’t know your name.”

 

She thought for a moment, thought about the lie, thought about the truth, thought about fleeing her past. 

 

“Jyn.” she responded, her real name feeling strange on her lips.

 

“Nice to meet you, Jyn.” he extended his hand and she shook it.

 

“Nice to meet you, Cassian.”

 

His eyebrows furrowed, “You went through my stuff.”

 

She could only shrug. “Sorry. Didn’t know it was a rule until now.”

 

“Don’t do it again.” but there was a lightness to his tone that was too endearing she couldn’t help but smile.

 

She couldn’t be sure but she could swear there was a flash of something in his eyes as he turned away from her and walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this the end? Who knows? :-)


	3. Live like tomorrow doesn't exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn returns to Cassian's place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's a Rebelcaptain fic without a little bedsharing??

_Sun is up, I'm a mess_   
_Gotta get out now, gotta run from this_   
_Here comes the shame, here comes the shame_

 

She found herself at his door, didn’t know how she got there in the haze that swirled her brain. She moved her hand to knock but it was so late, in fact it was so late that it was _early_ , the sky already threatening a pinkish-gold hue on the horizon, that she hesitated.

 

He hadn’t been at the club in days. She’d left his apartment that day in a rush, resisted the urge to rifle through his things and find out why he was such a mystery. She’d regretted it as soon as she’d left, wishing she had stayed and waited and talked to him and had a real conversation with someone for the first time in a long time. She’d looked for him every night, but someone else always occupied his seat and eventually it burned her to look. She’d reached the end of her rope, she wished she could say she wasn’t looking for it, but words were exchanged and fists flew, and now she was at his door with bruised knuckles and blood on her face.

 

She knocked then, there was nothing else to be done, and he came to the door rather quickly considering the hour. He looked like he hadn’t slept either.

 

“Jyn?” his face registered surprise, at her presence, at the state she was in, his eyebrows shooting into his hairline. But as quickly as it came, his face calmed, and he took her by the elbow and guided her into his apartment.

 

“I’m sorry.” she began, but it hurt to speak, the jerk she had fought with must’ve gotten a punch to her throat. He didn’t respond, just sat her on the couch and got a first aid kit from the bathroom. The way he tended to her wounds was practiced, his hands steady and sure, and she wondered idly if it was what he did for a living.

 

“You’ve done this before.” she stated flatly, and he didn’t respond for a long time, the silence a heavy weight between them.

 

“I’ll get you some ice for your hand.” he’d bandaged up her knuckles, and she wasn’t sure if it was the first aid he’d administered but she already felt so much better. She let out a breath as she waited for him to come back from the kitchen, settled against the arm of the couch.

 

The ice felt good on her hand, the throbbing pain was already abating. She realized he was looking at her, again with that inscrutable expression, like he wanted to say something but he had to think about it for a long time first. He looked like that kind of person to her, he had thoughtful eyes and a gentleness to him that settled her. She could feel her heart rate calm as she looked at him.

 

“You can sleep in the bedroom if you want,” he gestured to a door down the hall, “I just have a few things to do before I need to leave.”

 

“Where do you have to go?” she asked, despite herself. His expression changed then, the lines around his mouth deepening.

 

“I have some business to attend to.”

 

“Sounds ominous.” she laughed, but he didn’t laugh with her.

 

“There’s coffee in the pot for when you wake up.” he’d gotten up, gone to the desk in the corner of the room and started shuffling papers together.

 

“Stay.” she whispered, and it wasn’t her injured throat that prevented her from saying it any louder. Her heart beat fast in her chest as she waited for him to answer.

 

He turned around to look at her and the expression on his face was enough to cleave her heart in two. There was anguish in his eyes, hurt and longing, and _regret_ , and she could tell he wanted to say no, that his head was already threatening to move from side to side. She stood up, so quickly that throw pillows and the first aid kit tumbled to the floor. She stood in front him, took his hand and he didn’t resist.

 

“Stay.” she repeated, guided him to the bedroom and he followed her with wonder in his eyes. She lay down on the bed with her back to him, pulling him down with her, and he settled against her, his chest on her back. She took his arm and draped it along her waist, his hand settling on her stomach. She could feel the rhythm of his heartbeat against her back, the soft exhale of breath tickling her neck, the warmth of his body around her, and she couldn’t find the words for everything it stirred in her. There was comfort, and safety, and _need_ , and she could lie in his arms for all of eternity and never need anything else.

 

_This is what it’s like to be loved_ , she thought, but it couldn’t be, they barely knew each other. She tried to remember another time when she’d been held, not by police or bouncers or security who wanted to restrain her, not by prison guards or medical personnel, but by someone who wanted her. She tried to remember her mother, her father, the man who eventually raised her, but her memories were fickle, their faces blurring together in her mind.

 

He’d slipped her hand in his, whispered words in her ear she couldn’t understand, and as she drifted off to sleep she found the faces that haunted her shimmering and flickering, and finally disappearing altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also for those who wanted some banging, I promise it will happen :-)


	4. If you dare, come a little closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian reach a turning point in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Turning point" is author-speak for sex. You guys asked for it :-)

_the reason I hold on_   
_'cause I need this hole gone_   
_funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving_   
_'cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving_

 

She did the washing up, he cooked and it worked well that way. It wasn’t that she was averse to cooking, she really didn’t mind it, but everything he cooked just tasted so much better. And also she could watch him do it, which she could never really get enough of.

 

She’d been going to the club less and less, and showing up at his door more and more, to the point where she didn’t even have to knock, he would be at the door waiting. He stopped going to the club altogether, he knew she would show up at his door sooner or later.

 

They’d taken to sleeping in the same bed, but it hadn’t progressed to anything more. The bizarre little dance they were doing was strange to her, but there was something so real and so tangible about the connection they had that she just couldn’t risk screwing it up.

 

“Sooo… what exactly is it that you do for a living?” she was pouring herself a cup of coffee as he chopped onions for the omelette he was making.

 

“Ah, I knew this question was coming.”

 

“Well what did you expect?!” she turned to face him, throwing her hands up into the air, “You leave at odd hours of the day, sometimes you don’t come back for days, and it’s all just…” she shook her head, “ _Really_ weird.”

 

He smiled, clearly amused by her little outburst. “I work for the government.”

 

“Like ‘I deliver your mail’ work-for-the-government or ‘I’m a spy’ work-for-the-government?”

 

He pursed his lips, continued cutting and didn’t lift his head. “More of the latter.”

 

“You’re a spy???”

 

“We don’t exactly call it that, anymore.”

 

“Well what do you call it?”

  
  
“I can’t really tell you.”

 

“Or you’ll have to kill me?” she smirked, smiling at her own joke. Except he didn’t laugh.

 

“Something like that.” and she would’ve gotten worried except she saw the corners of his mouth curving upwards, crinkles forming at the edges of his eyes.

 

“Funny.” she threw a dishrag at him, which he handily caught as he chuckled. She was quiet for a moment, which made him look up at her.

 

“Any more questions?” he tilted his head at her, hair falling into his face, and this time she did reach over, tucked it away. He smiled at her touch.

 

“Is that why you have the sleeping pills?” she asked quietly, not meeting his eyes. “Because of your screwed up… schedule?”

 

She didn’t have to be looking at him to know he wasn’t smiling anymore. He went back to chopping.

 

“My job requires me to do things,” he started, his voice measured and even, “that make it very hard to sleep at night.”

 

“You’ve been sleeping just fine lately.” she pointed out, wanting to smooth the furrow on his brow and the lines around his eyes.

 

“That’s because you’re there.”

 

She didn’t know what the stutter in her chest was, or how to contain the rush of emotion that threatened to drown her. She put her coffee cup down because her hand started to shake, then she went up behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle.

 

\---

 

She stopped going to the club. It wasn’t too long after that when she ran into one of the bartenders on the street and he had asked why she hadn’t been around. She didn’t know how to answer him, how to tell him that it wasn’t what she needed anymore, that maybe she’d found something she hadn’t really been looking for but turned out to be exactly what she needed.

 

“Jorge from the club was looking for you.” she came into the apartment, unloaded the bag of snacks onto the coffee table and joined him on the couch.

 

“Ha ha.” he let her get comfortable against him, then settled his arm around her shoulder. “I’m sure it wasn’t me he was looking for.”

 

She smirked, opened a bag of chips and offered him some. “So what are we watching tonight?”

 

Movies had become their thing, when he was home for more than a few hours at a time. She found that it was her second favorite thing, second only to waking up and seeing his face peaceful on the pillow beside her. She almost always fell asleep before the end of the movie, and she would always wake up in the bed, with no memory of how she got there. This time, however, she happened to wake as he carried her to the bedroom.

 

Thinking she was still asleep, he laid her gently on the bed, moving to stand back up when her hand slipped around the back of his neck and held him there.

 

“Stay.” she whispered, and this time she didn’t hesitate, couldn’t hesitate anymore. She brought her lips to his, kissed him gently, tentatively, gave him time to say _no, I don’t want this_ , but inside her the hope burned. He gave in so wholly, so fully, that she wanted to sob and scream at the same time, unprepared as she was for the onslaught of emotion that filled her. She pulled him down onto the bed, and he settled on top of her, careful not to put too much weight on her, his hands gentle and warm on her body. He kissed her like it was the end of the world, like it was the last thing he would ever get to do, held her against him like he never wanted to let go.

 

She moved against him, slow and deliberate, memorizing the feeling of his touch, cataloguing all the ways her body thrummed as his hands mapped her skin. His lips trailed fire along her neck, fingers ghosting over her stomach, and she gasped as his hand slipped into her pants and found her wet and wanting. She held him to her, fingers tangled in his hair, as she shuddered from his touch, fell apart in a bliss she couldn’t ever remember experiencing before. She wasn’t used to someone wanting her, wasn’t used to someone putting her contentment above theirs, and she didn’t know what to do, how to say _yes this is what I need, I want this, I want you_.

 

He stilled then, pulled back to look at her, his eyes dark, searching hers. She didn’t want to give him any more time to wonder, to ask, to doubt her, so she kissed him, hard and desperate, hands fumbling at his pants. When he finally entered her he was gentle, and she cried out from the intensity of the sensation, from the tender way in which he held her and moved inside her. His hands still held onto her, kept her close, and she couldn’t suppress the moan from her lips as she came again and again, fingers pressing into his back as he reached his peak with a groan.

 

He cuddled into her after, kissed her long and slow and sweet, and as she wrapped her arms around him she marveled at the throbbing in her chest, at the tightness she felt in her throat when he looked at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the Epilogue left after this, unless I come up with more ideas :-)


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn confronts her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a detour that goes through the Santa Cruz mountains, the road weaves and winds and it's a sheer drop if you put a wheel wrong, but at some point in the drive the land levels out and there's a beautiful valley, dotted with houses here and there, and a huge sprawling ranch, with horses galloping in the field...

The drive through the mountains was harrowing, Cassian’s knuckles turning white from gripping the sides of his seat. Jyn navigated the road expertly, it was clear she’d done the drive before. Her eyes never left the road, but there was a distant look in them.

 

“When was the last time you were out here?” he asked, wanting to know the reason behind the look in her eye, but also wanting to take his mind off of the nausea bubbling inside him from the constant zigzag pattern of the road.

 

Jyn bit her lip. “It’s been years, I guess.”

 

She hadn’t told him much about where they were going, just that she needed to do something important, and if he would come with her. He tried to get more details but all she would say was that it was something she should’ve done a long time ago.

 

The road finally flattened out, and they found themselves in a valley surrounded by sloping hillsides. She turned into a long driveway lined with trees, their branches swinging lazily in the soft breeze, brushing the roof of the car as they drove through. A wide, sprawling ranch house came into view, and beyond a fence stretched around the property, with horses grazing in the field.

 

Jyn parked the car, but she didn’t get out. She turned the ignition off, just sat and took deep breaths, as if she were trying to calm herself. Cassian sat, watching, concern for her clearly etched on his face.

 

“Jyn.” he said softly, touching her hand. She finally smiled, looked to him.

 

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” she squeezed his hand, and he realized she was shaking. “Let’s go see my house.”

 

She walked slowly up the path, taking everything in, from the bushes that needed pruning, to the front door that needed new paint, to the weeds that had grown wild and the family of birds that had made a nest in the eavestrough.

 

“You used to live here?” he looked around, and despite the obvious state of disrepair the place had fallen under, it looked homey and comforting.

 

“A long time ago.” Jyn answered, sitting on the front stoop, as if her energy had run out and it was all she could process. “My parents came out here to get away from everything, my mom wanted to raise horses and my dad could do his research in peace.”

 

Cassian sat beside her, not wanting to interrupt, realizing it was the first time she had said anything to him about her past.

 

“Then my mom died, and my father was lost without her. The university convinced him to go overseas on a long-term research grant. He never came back.” Her eyes became distant at the memory.

 

“What happened to you?” Cassian asked softly.

 

Jyn dropped her head, made circles in the dirt with the tip of her shoe. “I was sent to live with a family friend. It worked out as well as it could, I guess.” she shrugged her shoulders, “He didn’t have any experience with kids, but he did his best. I’ve been on my own since I was sixteen though, I guess he’d had enough of me by then.” she laughed, but there was no humor in it.

 

Cassian put a hand on her knee, and she was grateful for his support.

 

“I was doing my best, you know?” she continued on, like a floodgate had been opened and she needed to get it all out, “Just trying to survive, in and out of places, doing whatever job I could find to make money. I got into trouble, did my time, but when I got out, it was harder you know?” she had bit her lip, looked away.

 

“Is that when you met me?” he asked quietly. She nodded, finally looked him in the eye. Her eyes were dry, but the strain in them was obvious.

 

“You made me look at things differently.” she shrugged.

 

“You did the same for me.” he shrugged too, mimicking her action. She smiled, elbowed him playfully.

 

“I never thought I’d come back here.” she turned her eyes once more to the expanse of field before them.

 

“What made you change your mind?”

 

“I found out my father died recently.” her voice didn’t waver at that, but sadness and hurt flitted in her eyes. “And this house was supposed to go to me, but he had an old business partner who claimed he had a stake in it. The lawyers told me he didn’t have a leg to stand on, but I had to fight it. I didn’t want to, at the time.” she shook her head, “But now I do.”

 

She took out a key from her pocket, pulled him up by the hand and went to the front door. Her hand was shaking as she tried to put the key in the lock, so he placed his hand over hers, and they turned the key together.

 

She stepped inside for the first time since she was a child, swayed a little as the memories caught up with her. He stayed behind her, kept a hand on the small of her back for support. The air was musty and the furniture was covered with muslin sheets, cobwebs hung in every corner and a fine layer of dust covered everything. But when she looked around, looked at Cassian standing next to her, she knew she was home.

 

“It just needs a good clean, then I’m sure it’ll feel like home again.” he mused as he looked around.

 

She turned to him, slipped her arms around him, held him close to her. “It feels like home already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they raised horses and had kids and lived happily ever after :-)


End file.
